Watching you becoming December 22, 2014Posted by Shonnie in Familyhood, Life with a little girl, Life with a toddler, Life with Baby.
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Shonnie to Gracelyn recently: “I love seeing who you’re growing into.”
Gracelyn’s response: “Mama, you know who I am. I’m Gracelyn.”
This past week, Gracelyn and I spent about an hour sitting at my computer watching videos that Bruce and I had taken of her since her birth. I’d probably seen them all at some point, but either that point was very long ago or had gotten lost amidst other memories and thus some of the moments seemed brand new. Videos showed her pulling towels and dish cloths from a kitchen drawer, playing peep-eye with me, early crawling and stair climbing, being in her plastic swimming pool for the first time, splashing in rain puddles, and pronouncing our cat Desmond’s name for the first time that I’d understood. There was even a short video of me holding our then un-named daughter the first morning after her birth when we were still at the hospital (that one I didn’t remember).
It was heart-warming to see how she responded to each video, sometimes asking questions about the moment, sometimes remembering an experience, sometimes simply laughing or obviously entranced by these snippets of her life thus far. For me, it was a delightful and quick trip down memory lane, giving me glimpses into the lives of the people on the screen: Who was she back then? Who was I? Even though a few of the videos seemed entirely new to me, most gave me a deep sense of familiarity — I knew these people. I’d had the time and the space to get to know this child as she moved through her life phases — newborn, infant, baby, toddler, preschooler. I’d had the opportunity to bear witness to my own evolution from freshly-claimed motherhood status, to just-emerging-from-the-first-year-whilrwind mama, to mom who knows that this parenting gig is her own growth path as much as it is her daughter’s.
Bruce had originally encouraged me to stay home to be with Gracelyn for her first year of life. I hadn’t been opposed to this, though having been cared for by sweet, little ol’ ladies because my two parents worked outside the home, I didn’t think it was a huge deal to be the primary caregiver for one’s child. Within a few weeks of being home with Gracelyn, however, I’d become a convert and my desire to be with her the vast majority of the time hasn’t waned much in the intervening 4+ years.
Those cliché sayings are true, of course. Time does pass in a flash. The days are long and the years are short. By having the freedom to focus my time and attention on my daughter, I’ve gotten to see her growing. I’ve been present as she had first experiences but also as she had second, third, fourth, and more trys at her discoveries. Having the time and energy allows us the space to get to know one another. I wasn’t merely a watcher of those videos of Gracelyn’s past, I was present then, either at her side, behind the camera lens, or nearby observing. Some call my — or our experience — a luxury, and it is in the sense that not everyone can easily have this experience of being together with their child most of the time. For me, however, it has also become a necessity to my spirit — the chance to soak each other in, to come to know one another intimately, confidently, gently as we both evolve into who we are becoming moment-by-moment, one lived experience at a time.
So as Gracelyn now passes age 4.25 and I approach my 43rd birthday, I give a knot-throated, teary-eyed thanks. First for the very precious opportunity to be a mama at all. Second for the gentle insistence of my husband to be at home with our daughter for that first year. Third for the continuing blessings that allow me to devote most of my time to nurturing my girl during these early years. Finally for the innumerable, mostly unrecorded yet nonetheless indelible, gifts that have come from, and been comprised of these many moments.
Not a baby but still my baby September 7, 2012Posted by Shonnie in Life with Baby, Parenting.
Today Gracelyn has birthday number 2 (although it’s technically #3 when you count the day on which she was born as #1). She is precocious, funny, clear-of-mind and heart, and as loveable as ever. Many people inevitably comment that we’re about to start the “terrible twos” but, as you can probably guess, I don’t cotton to that notion. (Check the photos page for more recent pics.)
Yes, as Gracelyn gets older she has more desires for autonomy and for getting the experience of doing things herself. Sometimes if mama or daddy isn’t ready or willing for “just Baby Gee,” we say “no,” or provide an alternative that isn’t to her liking. Our default mode, however, is “yes,” even if it means cleaning something up afterwards or practicing deep breathing during it all. Here’s some of what’s transpired with our self-confident girl.
- Two weeks ago she lifted the toilet seat lid, pulled down her potty reducer seat, climbed up on the toilet, peed, climbed down, shut the lid, and flushed the toilet. Though she still will take assistance periodically, she’s obviously very delighted to be able to do this task all on her own.
- She explores high drawers and counters on her own by carrying a stool to where she wants to reach and then clambering up to stand and browse. Frequently she’ll say “See what’s going on up here” as she reaches her perch. It’s also very cute because the stool she uses is wood and a woven cloth seat/step so it’s somewhat heavy and it takes most of her strength to tote it around.
- Yesterday she fetched a dish cloth from a kitchen drawer to clean up some washable marker she’d gotten on a chair (I hadn’t seen her do the drawing at all). She gave me the cloth asking me to put water on it so she could “wipe up” which she then did with only a minor follow-up by me.
- Lately she’s enjoyed “putting in her contacts” (mimicking mama) which last night consisted of risotto and roasted broccoli she placed on her eyelids while eating dinner.
- While visiting Chicago after a visit to Grandma Jeri and Grandpa Arlen’s, Gracelyn enjoyed walking down the sidewalks of many of the streets near the Art Institute, Lake Michigan, and Lakeshore Drive. I carried her when crossing streets and only a few times asked her to move further away from the curb which she was already doing naturally well.
- She brushes her teeth and even does a little bit of flossing with pleasure and even some accuracy. Our new routine is that she does the first brush and then mama or daddy finish with a second brushing.
- This girl loves to talk, rhyme, sing, repeat, and create. I’m repeatedly met by people who comment “she speaks very well,” “wow, she talks well for her age,” or “she’s just how old?” and they’re right. Daddy jokes that her career avenues might be either prop comic (G now calls herself “Prop Comic Dirty Face”) or linguist. She and I carry on simple conversations, we read books together (G finishing some sentences or filling in parts of the story), and sing many favorite songs. My recent favorite saying is “How ’bout that idea?” which she uses when putting forth her suggestion of something to do.
Forever my baby (“our” baby to be exact)
Of course, while Gracelyn’s independence is burgeoning in myriad ways, I’m grateful for all the ways she allows herself to still be a baby.
- She kisses so sweetly and always on my lips. She has a loving expression on her face and comes away from the peck smiling and happy.
- “Nursie!” is G’s cry when she’s feeling stressed, overwhelmed, tired, or has hurt herself. We still nurse before and after sleeping (naps or nighttime) and occasionally during the night, yet the once frequent cuddling and feeding has waned as she’s grown. It’s such a sweet treat to be able to still comfort her with my body and my milk and I relish having her nestled close and holding her tenderly as she regains her equilibrium.
- Hugs, piggy back, and snuggling still keep us physically close as G continues to grow physically independent. Just today after a nap she snuggled up next to me, got nose-to-nose with me and we spent a minute or so in our tender embrace.
- Being carried in our ergo carrier or sling keeps her cocooned against my body. While she often enjoys walking (and sometimes insists on it), I’m grateful for all the “mama carry you”s I get and every minute shes the joey to my mama kangaroo.
Celebrating this precious child
Here is a poem to give voice to the blessings that this birthday brings and the gratitude I feel for this most precious child of god.
On Your Birthday
by Shonnie Lavender
Today is different than other days
Except that it is not.
Today you will be exactly who you are meant to be.
You will create and imagine your own visions.
You will play and explore our world with awe and curiosity.
You will do and say things that give me pause, make me think, and wake me up.
You will be bold and quiet, quick and slow, playful and serious.
You will help me be myself, the person who I was made to be.
You will remind and reheart me of what is possible and inspire me to make it so.
Today you will be and do all this and more.
Today is the same as all other days
Except that it is not.
Today is the anniversary of your birth.
Thus today brings a special reminder.
How lucky I am to have this day, and this life,
with you, darling daughter.
P.S. I found Bath Time this most heart-warming poem from Lisa M. that she wrote about bath time (and not bath time) with her son. It so speaks to me about a mother’s love and how much we always want to be their for our babies whether they are babies or not. Enjoy!
Staying present to your child right now June 22, 2012Posted by Shonnie in Life with Baby, Parenting.
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Here’s an excerpt from Continually Falling in Love with Your Child that I wrote for my professional site HeartLedParenting.com. I’d appreciate it if you’d drop by, read the piece, and comment if you feel so moved.
“It’s so easy to rely on our history with someone and forget to keep paying attention. Though we often say it in words — ‘They grow up so fast.’ — we seem to sometimes act as if who are children are is frozen in time.”
Happy Mothers’ Day, Mommy! May 13, 2012Posted by Bruce Mulkey in Life with Baby.
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On this, our second Mothers’ Day together, I want to tell you lots of reasons I love you so much.
I love the way you keep me close to you all day and all night long.
I love the way you smell so mommy-like.
I love the way you let me explore my surroundings, yet are always there when I need you.
I love the way you read to me every night at bedtime.
I love the way you talk to me and ask me questions when you’re not sure what I want.
But most of all, I love you because you’re you—my sweet Mommy.
I love you with all my heart!
What does “mother” mean anyway? March 30, 2012Posted by Shonnie in Life with Baby, Parenting.
It can be rough when you learn that you’re not the mother you thought you’d be. When I say “rough,” of course, I mean heart-wrenching, soul-crushing, and seemingly life-ending. Though it is in fact a painful revelation, I believe it’s so acute, in part, because we have a wacky definition of “mother.”
A mother, we believe, is loving, beneficent, self-less, kind, gentle — all of which are true except in rare cases. The challenge comes because we add to these characteristics the qualifier that she is this way “all the time.” Even if you don’t think this is what you believe, you will determine that this is what you’ve been expecting of yourself all along once you become a mother. Whether this misunderstanding comes from our cultural myths, our own deepest desires, or a conglomeration of sources, believing that “mother” is a synonym for “saint” is harmful for us all.
Here’s what I’ve learned about what it means to be a mother in my 18+ months fulfilling this role.
- Being a mother opens up your heart to a love so deep that you could seemingly be consumed by it. Out of this love you desire to be and do only that which will nurture your child and reflect to them the love you feel for them.
- The act of mothering — all that you “do” as a mama to manifest this love and care — is more profound than anything you’ve ever done before and, at times, wears you to the rough and fragile places of your ego. In these moments you learn that your “better self” has a “less-better self” and you feel off-kilter as your self-image gets reshaped.
- First recognizing the gap between the idealized and real picture of motherhood can be an experience filled with surprise, disappointment, shock, or horror, depending on how strongly you held the idealized beliefs, how unrealistic your own demands on yourself, how honest are the other mothers with whom you connect, and how challenging your overall parenting journey.
- Navigating the true territory of motherhood is a rich and hopefully life-altering journey. I say “hopefully” because I believe that in losing some of our untrue ideas and demands, we become more whole, more human, more real — our homo sapiens version of the Velveteen Rabbit transformation — which is a better model for those children in our care.
by Shonnie Lavender
I am a mother.
I am gentle, loving, and protective.
I am rough, mean, and sometimes the person you need protection from.
I nurture you.
I need my own nurturing.
I am attentive to your full and healthy development.
I am still becoming my authentic and healthy self.
I love you in ways words are inadequate to describe.
I fail to behave lovingly even when that is what you need most.
My best intentions are often realized, even in difficult moments.
I make amends, and deserve forgiveness, when my actions aren’t ideal.
My love is for you is unending, unfathomable, and unrelenting.
My love is bestowed unevenly but done to the best of my ability.
I am a mother — your real, un-perfect mother — and I am grateful to fill this role for you.
Bandana peep eye March 23, 2012Posted by Shonnie in Life with Baby, Videos.
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Gracelyn is the champion of “peep eye” or “peek a boo” and found a way to play it with extra flair one recent afternoon. Personally this video of the game cracks me up every time I watch it. We hope you enjoy it as much.
What did we envision for our family? February 18, 2012Posted by Shonnie in Community, Life with Baby, Parenting.
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I’m presently training to teach Simplicity Parenting, the work of Kim John Payne. The book, the subtitle of which is “using the extraordinary power of less to raise calmer, happier, and more secure kids,” is thought-provoking, inspiring, challenging, and useful to anyone living with a child under their roof.
When I first began reading the book, one thing really stuck out. Payne writes about rediscovering one’s vision for one’s family. Specifically he asks, “How did you imagine your children? How did you picture yourselves as parents?… How did you imagine your home, with children?” What got me was that I’d focused most of my visioning energy on the pregnancy and helping to grow a healthy baby. While I’d definitely journaled about and imagined being a parent and a family of three, I hadn’t spent much creative process on the future after baby’s birth. Since I’ll be helping lead others through Simplicity Parenting, I figured now was a good time to reacquaint myself with the visions I had had and also ruminate on what other pictures were in my heart and mind.
In my imagination…
- There are warm voices asking each other gentle questions, seeking to understand and know the others at depth. Between the phrases spoken is open silence that invites response and is present to hear what’s said and what’s left unspoken.
- There are infectious giggles and peals of laughter as the family plays and shares the lightness of their spirits. Joy is palpable and appreciation can be felt in the air.
- Hands are linked in work and repose showing the unity of the family and the comfort they find in each other’s company and partnership. There is a “we” here while still giving plenty of room for the individual “me”s.
- Faces show love, concern, affection, gratitude, contentment, and joy as the three lives intertwine and the connections grow deeper and stronger yet also more flexible.
- Respect is seen in courteous acts and heard in kind words. Love is manifest in gentle, warm touch. Honor is given for the sacredness of each person, exactly as they are.
- Rituals are created that carry forward past traditions in new ways that suit our family, our values, our wishes. Reverence is given for life, for each other, and for the family that is ever becoming.
- Hurdles are addressed and overcome, growth is discussed and encouraged, losses are acknowledged and grieved, wins are called out and celebrated. Experiences are shared, savored, and safely treasured in family memories.
I don’t know where our family will travel during our life together. I pray that the journey will be smooth and we will all make safe passage on to whatever is next for each of us. I know that we are truly blessed to be on this voyage and hold a vision of a deeply connected, loving, and joy-filled home. I look forward to playing my part in realizing these dreams and also to doing what I can to help other families manifest their most sacred visions.
“When we act out of reverence, instead of fear, our motivation is stronger, our inspiration boundless.”
~ Kim John Payne
Predictability in parenting… February 2, 2012Posted by Shonnie in Life with Baby, Parenting.
…is overrated. …isn’t real. …is temporary at best.
Well, any of these endings to my “predictability in parenting…” sentence could have been true for me today (or yesterday evening for that matter). Gracelyn has four teeth coming in (to add to the eight she’s had since the one year mark) and I think they did a number on us in the last 18 hours. She didn’t fall asleep until 10 — about one hour later than usual — and she woke up fully at 3 a.m. and was very hard to comfort and then restless for another hour. Then, this afternoon, she would not nap until we took a walk outside (then she was asleep 90 seconds after getting into the ergo carrier and beginning to nurse).
Besides the fact that some of this time was difficult for her, the primary “problem” was my reaction. Thankfully I didn’t lose it…but that’s in part due to the fact that daddy Bruce stepped in while I caught a nap. After waking, he reminded me that I was doing fine, Gracelyn would sleep when she was tired, and we didn’t know the “why” but we could see that what was was an almost 17-month-old enjoying exploring the world around her. So, here’s what I think this experience has taught me about predictability and parenting (or life in general).
- While it can feel comforting to think we “know” what’s next, the truth is that we don’t know and never will. Thinking of something as “certain” can be a recipe for dissatisfaction.
- Thinking that someone is predictable can make it easy for us to miss seeing who that person is in any given moment. (Today I kept thinking, Gracelyn should be tired now rather than noticing that tiredness wasn’t really on her radar.)
- We build rhythms to instill feelings of predictability and this is a comforting and positive practice. When we insist on predictability, however, the flow of the rhythm becomes constrained or even ceases altogether.
- When we say something is predictable, we might be better off substituting the words “probable,” “likely,” or even “possible” instead. This might remind us that even if we’d like the ability, we’re not omniscient.
On that note, let me close now and take a nap. Gracelyn has been asleep just over an hour, so, if I’m lucky, she’ll be snoozing for another 60 minutes…and if not, it’s simply because predictability is on vacation. 😉
Writing in response to “Can you teach what you do not know?” January 8, 2012Posted by Bruce Mulkey in Life with Baby, Parenting.
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Regarding Shonnie’s previous post, “Can You Teach What You Do Not Know,” I know for a fact that Shonnie’s intention (and mine, as well) is to be loving and respectful with Gracelyn at all times. Being human, we sometimes miss the mark. Shonnie has described such an example, and as for me, I sometimes get busy checking email or Facebook and don’t readily respond to Gracelyn’s eager calls to be with me in that moment.
Shonnie and I have an agreement to gently bring unloving or disrespectful actions to the other’s attention, and we have an agreement with Gracelyn to apologize to her when we act otherwise with her. This typically works very well, and having said that, both Shonnie and I have behaviors that have been brought into our consciousness through our desire to be the best parents possible so that Gracelyn has the opportunity to fully blossom into who she’s meant to be. Shonnie describes what she’s working on in her earlier post. For me, it’s about letting go of my mental to-do list and be present in the moment with Gracelyn as well as with others.
Finally, I want to acknowledge my partners in this journey-–Shonnie for her inviolable commitment to Gracelyn and for her unconditional love toward our baby . . . and Gracelyn for her joy for life and openness toward everything that comes her way, even when it’s one of us acting out our unresolved issues. I wouldn’t want to be going down this path at this point in my life with any other momma in the world or any other baby.
Can you teach what you do not know? January 7, 2012Posted by Shonnie in Life with Baby, Parenting.
The saying goes “When the student is ready the teacher will appear.” What I wonder is: can I help Gracelyn learn that which I am still very new at learning myself?
At one level, the obvious answer is “yes” because we can be students learning alongside one another. My real question then is how to foster her growth in an area where my own current behavior may model precisely what I don’t want her to mimic.
Learning Compassion with Oneself
When I make a mistake that is really upsetting for me, I generally do two things automatically:
- continue to regret my behavior by obsessing on it in my mind
- judge myself as bad and shameful
Take the example of what happened the other day when getting out of the car to go to the library with Gracelyn. Normally Gracelyn gets into the baby sling and I carry her into the library. For some reason she didn’t want to go into the sling and let me know this by stiffening her body and making non-verbal protestations. I could of heard her communication and simply carried her in or let her walk with me. Instead, I repeatedly attempted to get her into the sling and then the ergo carrier while “reasoning” with her that her wriggling was dangerous (I could accidentally drop her) and that fussing was uncalled for (She “should” just do what I wanted was my demand). She got more and more upset and finally I carried her in my arms while justifying my behavior to her as we walked. YUK!
While I realize that such parental irrationality, controlling, and plain jerkishness isn’t the worst behavior in the world, treating my beloved daughter in this way is FAR from how I desire to be with her. Thus once I regained my sanity and compassion, I felt horrid about how I had behaved and had a hard time letting go of the experience. I repeatedly replayed the incident in my mind, cringing at my behavior, feeling embarrassment and shame, and fearing that I’d harmed my daughter forever.
What I Want to Learn and Teach
So here’s the problem. I want several things for Gracelyn when it comes to making mistakes.
- I want her to know that mistakes are totally normal and totally acceptable
- I want her to know that our behavior is a choice that may or may not reflect our best self in any given moment
- I want her to know that she is ALWAYS and ALL WAYS loveable even when her behavior isn’t what she or others desire it to be
- I want her to be self-reflective enough to change behavior she chooses AND compassionate enough to be gentle with herself when she discovers behavior she doesn’t like
The good news is that I know what I want for Gracelyn and I know that I want this for myself as well. The challenge is that the model I currently set for her isn’t the one I want her to follow. So I guess that means that for our mutual benefit, my current opportunity is to start changing the way I am with myself when I make a mistake while also doing my best to help her form a different habit from the start.
“If you must love your neighbor as yourself, it is at least as fair to love yourself as your neighbor.”
~ Nicolas de Chamfort
BTW, since I’m in learning mode, feel free to share any wisdom you have on this subject (maybe the learning can be accelerated that way). 🙂