Writing in response to “Can you teach what you do not know?” January 8, 2012
Posted by Bruce Mulkey in Life with Baby, Parenting.1 comment so far
Regarding Shonnie’s previous post, “Can You Teach What You Do Not Know,” I know for a fact that Shonnie’s intention (and mine, as well) is to be loving and respectful with Gracelyn at all times. Being human, we sometimes miss the mark. Shonnie has described such an example, and as for me, I sometimes get busy checking email or Facebook and don’t readily respond to Gracelyn’s eager calls to be with me in that moment.
Shonnie and I have an agreement to gently bring unloving or disrespectful actions to the other’s attention, and we have an agreement with Gracelyn to apologize to her when we act otherwise with her. This typically works very well, and having said that, both Shonnie and I have behaviors that have been brought into our consciousness through our desire to be the best parents possible so that Gracelyn has the opportunity to fully blossom into who she’s meant to be. Shonnie describes what she’s working on in her earlier post. For me, it’s about letting go of my mental to-do list and be present in the moment with Gracelyn as well as with others.
Finally, I want to acknowledge my partners in this journey-–Shonnie for her inviolable commitment to Gracelyn and for her unconditional love toward our baby . . . and Gracelyn for her joy for life and openness toward everything that comes her way, even when it’s one of us acting out our unresolved issues. I wouldn’t want to be going down this path at this point in my life with any other momma in the world or any other baby.
Can you teach what you do not know? January 7, 2012
Posted by Shonnie in Life with Baby, Parenting.5 comments
The saying goes “When the student is ready the teacher will appear.” What I wonder is: can I help Gracelyn learn that which I am still very new at learning myself?
At one level, the obvious answer is “yes” because we can be students learning alongside one another. My real question then is how to foster her growth in an area where my own current behavior may model precisely what I don’t want her to mimic.
Learning Compassion with Oneself
When I make a mistake that is really upsetting for me, I generally do two things automatically:
- continue to regret my behavior by obsessing on it in my mind
- judge myself as bad and shameful
Take the example of what happened the other day when getting out of the car to go to the library with Gracelyn. Normally Gracelyn gets into the baby sling and I carry her into the library. For some reason she didn’t want to go into the sling and let me know this by stiffening her body and making non-verbal protestations. I could of heard her communication and simply carried her in or let her walk with me. Instead, I repeatedly attempted to get her into the sling and then the ergo carrier while “reasoning” with her that her wriggling was 
dangerous (I could accidentally drop her) and that fussing was uncalled for (She “should” just do what I wanted was my demand). She got more and more upset and finally I carried her in my arms while justifying my behavior to her as we walked. YUK!
While I realize that such parental irrationality, controlling, and plain jerkishness isn’t the worst behavior in the world, treating my beloved daughter in this way is FAR from how I desire to be with her. Thus once I regained my sanity and compassion, I felt horrid about how I had behaved and had a hard time letting go of the experience. I repeatedly replayed the incident in my mind, cringing at my behavior, feeling embarrassment and shame, and fearing that I’d harmed my daughter forever.
What I Want to Learn and Teach
So here’s the problem. I want several things for Gracelyn when it comes to making mistakes.
- I want her to know that mistakes are totally normal and totally acceptable
- I want her to know that our behavior is a choice that may or may not reflect our best self in any given moment
- I want her to know that she is ALWAYS and ALL WAYS loveable even when her behavior isn’t what she or others desire it to be
- I want her to be self-reflective enough to change behavior she chooses AND compassionate enough to be gentle with herself when she discovers behavior she doesn’t like
The good news is that I know what I want for Gracelyn and I know that I want this for myself as well. The challenge is that the model I currently set for her isn’t the one I want her to follow. So I guess that means that for our mutual benefit, my current opportunity is to start changing the way I am with myself when I make a mistake while also doing my best to help her form a different habit from the start.
“If you must love your neighbor as yourself, it is at least as fair to love yourself as your neighbor.”
~ Nicolas de Chamfort
BTW, since I’m in learning mode, feel free to share any wisdom you have on this subject (maybe the learning can be accelerated that way). 
Wean me gently December 27, 2011
Posted by Bruce Mulkey in Life with Baby.2 comments
I know I look so big to you,
Maybe I seem too big for the needs I have.
But no matter how big we get,
We still have needs that are important to us.
I know that our relationship is growing and changing,
But I still need you. I need your warmth and closeness,
Especially at the end of the day
When we snuggle up in bed.
Please don’t get too busy for us to nurse.
I know you think I can be patient,
Or find something to take the place of a nursing -
A book, a glass of something,
But nothing can take your place when I need you.
Sometimes just cuddling with you,
Having you near me is enough.
I guess I am growing and becoming independent,
But please be there.
This bond we have is so strong and so important to me,
Please don’t break it abruptly.
Wean me gently,
Because I am your mother,
And my heart is tender.
–Cathy Cardall (via Katie Davis, http://talesofmotherhood.com/)
Making your own tradition December 25, 2011
Posted by Shonnie in Community, Life with Baby, Parenting.4 comments
From Merriam-Webster’s website: Definition of TRADITION
- a : an inherited, established, or customary pattern of thought, action, or behavior (as a religious practice or a social custom) b : a belief or story or a body of beliefs or stories relating to the past that are commonly accepted as historical though not verifiable
- : the handing down of information, beliefs, and customs by word of mouth or by example from one generation to another without written instruction
- : cultural continuity in social attitudes, customs, and institutions
- : characteristic manner, method, or style
Putting the angel atop our tree
Recent reads of Reclaiming Christmas, Radical Homemaker Style and Gimme, Gimme vs. Doing Good: Teaching Children to Give have me thinking about Christmas traditions, especially in our “consumer culture.” Growing up I loved Christmas. I have entire albums of music I know by heart and love to sing (unfortunately for Bruce these include the Star Wars Christmas album and the disc from John Denver and the Muppets). To me it doesn’t feel like Christmas without a tree, ornaments, and twinkly lights. And even though I’m now vegetarian and do soy instead of dairy, I’d be a bit sad without my holiday nog. While Bruce and I have done a more simple Christmas for a few years now (just exchanging a stocking’s full of gifts), we’ve never fully considered what Christmas means to us and what we want to be our holiday traditions. This year we are beginning that conversation.
What did I actually love about childhood Christmases?
Reading a Christmas book
While I do have the American appetite for stuff, I’ve realized that what made me most happy as a receiver at Christmas was being surprised to find what was under that colorful paper or in my stocking and getting something I’d really, really wanted (the Flash Gordon movie on VHS tape and the ‘wear it 5 ways’ winter coat that was white with bold-colored stripes). Being happy as a giver had to do with choosing something that I thought would bring the receiver joy. While I don’t remember many of the gifts I’ve actually given, I know that this spirit of pleasing another (be it a person or a pet ) still gets me excited to shop, bake, or otherwise create a gift.
What is Christmas about?
Though my ego wants me to say otherwise, for me thinking of Christmas means the things I’ve mentioned above, plus calls with family, the Christmas Eve celebration at Jubilee!, and my birthday which follows three-days afterwards. I’m not certain, however, that this is the meaning I want it to continue to hold for me or to establish for Gracelyn. Thanksgiving, which has gained more of my appreciation since growing up, is obvious — being grateful for all the blessings in life AND taking time out to acknowledge these gifts. It seems that Christmas, therefore, is a chance to give back, an opportunity to tangibly give evidence of my gratitude by passing on blessings to others. While this gifting can be done in a consumerist way, I think that such thinking actually limits our creativity and may even corrupt the act of giving with other desires (to show how blessed we are to have lots of money, to base our worth on how much we can give, etc.). What I’ve recently shared with Bruce is the idea of widening our ways of giving, or rather balancing our giving with four categories of gifts: time, talent, trinkets, and tithing (While I know tithing has a specific definition, it was the only “t” word I could think of to describe giving in ways such as donations to charities or to those with whom you don’t have a personal connection.). For me, it seems this keeps the spirit of Christmas as a giving time while helping undo the strong consumer-Christmas connection.
Love those twinkly lights
This year I’ve come a bit late to the game to fully satisfy my new “criteria” for Christmas, relying mostly on trinkets though I have given gifts of time and talent and prepared my tithing. So, while this doesn’t cover all of the traditions we might set for the Lavender-Mulkey Christmas season, I look forward to letting these categories help guide us in the gifting part of our traditions in the year to come.
Merry Christmas Everyone!
Ready for a priceless moment (or two, or ten thousand)? December 21, 2011
Posted by Shonnie in Community, Life with Baby, Parenting.3 comments
Our first time baking Christmas cookies
This post will be short because I’ve got more important ways to spend my day than taking lots of time writing. This post will be short because you have more important ways to spend your day than reading more words. This post will be short because someone else already wrote what we need to hear.
Please read this poignant post by Hands Free Mama (a.k.a. Rachel Macy Stafford). Thanks to Josh Misner, one of my Gonzaga Graduate School TAs for posting this on facebook.
Now I’m off to gaze at the eyelashes of my sleeping daughter and watch her belly rise and fall as she breathes.
Hey, there’s another person living in this house! December 18, 2011
Posted by Bruce Mulkey in Life with Baby.3 comments
So, I woke up the other day to realize that there’s another full-fledged member of the household living here. Yes, there are now three of us interacting, playing, dancing, joking around and talking. I’ve lost count of the number of words in Gracelyn’s vocabulary (probably somewhere between 30 and 50), but she adds around one new one each day, and she can readily express her wants, needs, satisfaction, excitement and wit. It’s true that only Shonnie and I can discern the meaning of some of Gracelyn’s utterances, but they’re becoming clearer day by day, and we only rarely have to guess at what she wants us to know.
Gracelyn loves the cats, and they love her. Frequently the first word she speaks upon waking is “cat.” She pets Bandit, Desmond and Kaali, snuggles with them, helps feed them and announces when one of them is purring (Purr, purr, purr!). Gracelyn is also delighted with the Christmas tree and the other holiday decorations that 
she and Shonnie put up a week or so ago. When she first comes downstairs in the morning she insists that we turn the lights on and says, “Tree, pretty, mama,” meaning, of course, that she thinks the Christmas tree is pretty and acknowledges that Shonnie is responsible for its beauty. Ah, the splendor of the holidays through a child’s eyes.
Most of the time Gracelyn now walks over to her potty and pees or poops without assistance. She will ask me or Shonnie to read a book to her if the elimination process is going to take a while. The favorite book is Richard Scarry’s Best First Book Ever! that’s filled with the adventures of Huckle Cat, his family and his friend Lowly Worm, and she calls for it by saying “Cat, cat, cat.”
Needless to say, our little girl loves books (How could she not?) and often pulls them off the shelf for us to read to her, though sometimes she is very content to “read” them to herself. We’ve looked for and found some books for her outside the realm of the usual toddler books—Imagine by John Lennon, Me, Jane about Jane Goodall, Incredible You! by Wayne Dyer and others. I suspect she’ll be using a form of electronic reader soon enough, but for now . . . actual books that she can hold in her hands.
Gracelyn and Shonnie go to Kindermusic every week where they sing songs and move to the rhythm of the music. At home we have three Kindermusic CDs, and Gracelyn regularly insists that we play them while singing and/or dancing along. In fact, when music is playing in the house, Gracelyn will come running to one of us with a request to pick her up and dance around the room. And she sometimes dances to the music by herself. So we’re doing a lot more dancing around here these days, and that’s a very good thing.
It’s not that there aren’t bumps in the road in this journey that we’ve embarked on, but life with this happy, inquisitive, funny, engaging, self-possessed little girl brings me and Shonnie such great joy that all our challenges (having time for solitude, maintaining an orderly living space, living well on one income, getting enough exercise, etc.) pale in comparison. On a regular basis we acknowledge our deep gratitude: Gracelyn chose us as her parents!
Miss independent December 4, 2011
Posted by Shonnie in Life with Baby.1 comment so far
A sweet video of Gracelyn sweeping the porch and climbing the stairs. I think the best moments come right around the 1:30 minute mark. Enjoy!
Thankful November 24, 2011
Posted by Shonnie in Life with Baby, Parenting.3 comments
This year gratitude bursts from me like giggles jiggle forth from your lips.
Having you in my life is a gift unlike any I’ve ever experienced.
Awe is a word that describes how I feel witnessing you inhale life’s many mysteries.
Never have I been so in love…though my love for you has deepened my love for life.
Keeping present is one of the lessons you masterfully offer me time after time.
So curious, bold, uninhibited, and authentic, you remind me of what it means to be inspired.
Grateful that your daddy said “yes” to inviting a child into our lives and that you chose us for your family.
Innumerable ways that you’ve already graced this world by your presence.
Vivacious describes your spirit as well as your physical self.
Intelligent, intuitive, imaginative, irrepressible, and irresistible could also be synonyms for your name.
Naturally I’m biased, yet everyone else seems to share the same sentiments.
Giddy, glad, and grateful am I to be your mama and to share this day of giving thanks with you.
Home alone (without mama and dada, that is) November 13, 2011
Posted by Shonnie in Community, Life with Baby.3 comments
Yesterday Bruce and I had our first time without Gracelyn by our sides. While some of you might think, “She’s 14 months old, it’s about time” we didn’t feel any kind of urge to “get away.” What we did want, however, was to reintroduce couple space into our family (just like we have family space, mama-baby space, and dada-baby space). We also wanted Gracelyn to experience the joy and peace of being with other loving, trustworthy, and familiar people. Our vision was that this would fortify Gracelyn’s knowledge that the world is a benevolent place and she can trust us to only entrust her care to trustworthy people.
How did it go?
We talked with Gracelyn earlier in the day to explain what was going to happen that afternoon. When our friends Billy and Adrian came over, we all spent time together getting connected (Billy and Adrian had been with we three two or three other times for several hours so G knows and likes them already). Finally a few minutes before we planned to depart, we reminded Gracelyn of the plan and asked for her to be really clear with her communications with her babysitters since they might not understand her as quickly as we do. Then we went over a few details with Billy and Adrian (it really was just 5 or so things we told and asked them ). Finally we put on our shoes, gave our baby kisses, and headed to the car.
As we backed away, she began to cry and looked so pained that it was difficult to follow through in leaving. Then we immediately got into an argument because I thought Bruce saying that his heart hurt leaving her like that was his way of saying it was easy for me to leave her. Fortunately our spat was very short as we both simply heard one another and acknowledged how we ache seeing Gracelyn in pain of any sort. I suggested that we hold a vision of this being a very positive experience for Gracelyn (and for us) and seeing her having a great time with Adrian and Billy.
We went to a nearby coffee house for coffee and hot chocolate and a shared chocolate croissant. It was weird to be alone AND seemed both strange and pleasant to carry on an uninterrupted conversation (except for the text messages, of course ). I’d asked Billy to text a few minutes after our departure to give us a status report. Below is the back and forth conversation via text:
- 16:50 Me: How goes it? Did G stop crying?
- Billy: She’s happy, eating organic pineapple, talking to the KA [cats]. [audible sighs from mama and dada and excitement for seeing a photo] Can u get pix on your phones if I send?
- Me: That’s our girl. Yep to pix.
- Billy: Smiles. [great photo of a content Gracelyn comes through; mama and dada laugh]
- U can babysit anytime. See y’all in a couple of hours! (kidding) [our plan was to be gone about 30 minutes]
- Billy: Ha! Do take your time, tho. All is well.
I texted again as we were headed home. All total we were gone for about 45 minutes.
When we returned, Gracelyn excitedly greeted us as we came through the door yet her energy was calm and happy rather than frantic and worried. Billy and Adrian recounted that Gracelyn had cried for 15-30 seconds after we’d left but then found herself enchanted by the cats, fall leaves, and the company of her two caretakers. She would periodically call out “mama” or “dada” and look around for us and Adrian and Billy would reassure her we’d be home soon which seemed good enough for her.
I’m thankful that it all went so well and that our visions were fulfilled. We’re blessed to have loved ones like Billy and Adrian who any child would be delighted to have around. We’re blessed with a sweet child who knows when all is well and can feel the comfort, love, and security surrounding her. We’re blessed to have each other and have the time and space to give our relationship some nurturing. So for us, 14 months and 5 days was precisely the right amount of time to wait before asking Gracelyn to be home alone.
Being there November 4, 2011
Posted by Shonnie in Life with Baby, Parenting.5 comments
I just finished reading the eulogy for Steve Jobs, written by his sister, Mona Simpson, striving to muffle my tears as Gracelyn slept just feet away. When I read what his final words were, I thought those could be the words I utter hundreds of times a day marveling, “Oh wow. Oh wow. Oh wow.” as my dear daughter sparkles herself through life. Like Jobs I am entranced by beauty, which, for me is embodied by this sprite-like girl who takes in life through every pore on her skin, absorbing this still-new world around her.
Gracelyn is so alive, present, real, tangible. Watching her I see what it means to discover the outer world. Listening to her I hear what it means to give voice to the inner world. She is my omnipresent reminder to let yesterday fade so as to be open to today. With Gracelyn as my guide I am repeatedly evoked to trust love, life, and my own inner knowing. She is undeniably the most skilled and wisest teacher I’ve ever had (and I’ve had many quality teachers along the way).
In part this post is simply a statement about how an amazing soul, housed in the body of my little girl, is reawakening me to the beautiful journey of life. For me however, it’s also an opportunity to avow two truths about this adventure I’m on as Gracelyn’s mama.
- I am blessed to be here, each and every day, each and every moment. Some moments I resist or screw up, yet most are welcomed, savored, and lived with grace. Regardless, being here with her is the best gift of my life.
- Being here for Gracelyn is one of my highest aspirations as a mama. Emotionally and physically I want to be open and available for her as she needs me to be — present and real, welcoming who she is in each moment instead of taking her for granted or forgetting to rediscover her anew each day.
